I don’t want to write this, but I am going to. Today I did the one thing I have been dreading for a long time, and my emotions are everywhere. I finally weighed myself and faced the knowledge of how much I have let myself go over the past few years. I have been crying for the past 10 minutes because I discovered that I am 81 lbs overweight.
Part of it is COVID-19 weight from inactivity, but a lot of it is that I have just lost control of my coping habits. I have refused to even step on a scale for over a year because I knew it was getting worse, but I didn’t want to face that reality.
Why am I telling everyone this? I guess it is because it will help me come to terms with accepting what I have known for a long time.
It didn’t happen overnight, but I wish it could go away overnight, yet I know it can’t.
I am ashamed and angry at myself, but it isn’t as though everyone can’t see it anyway, so why shouldn’t I talk about it?
When did all the weight gain start?
Ever since my son was born, I have used the excuse that I was on bed rest for four months during pregnancy, and the weight just packed on. I even went as far as to tell others that the women in my family all ballooned after having children and could not shed the weight.
That excuse was valid for a little while, but I can’t keep saying that; my son is now 12 years old.
THIS HURTS AND MAKES ME SICK, but I have to get honest and genuine if I am to change.
Depression does affect your weight.
Beyond the excuse I had for a long time that it was due to having my son, a new one emerged eight years ago. In the winter of 2013, I started going through a long and drawn-out divorce. I was miserable, and one of the comforts I found was snacking when I was alone, especially before I went to sleep.
For the next 4-5 years, I battled a deep depression that I thought would swallow me into an abyss. I made all kinds of horrible decisions. Many had nothing to do with eating or weight, but it kept the cycle of mental health on a downward trajectory.
Not forgetting to mention the list of traumas that appeared endless during that time as well. It’s easier than you think to let yourself go during periods of your life.
Why do I want to get healthy now?
It was not an easy decision to finally ask my husband, JJ, to pick up a scale for me today. I almost didn’t ask him, but I am miserable. I have been talking about it for a while, and he has been very encouraging, but he has been gracious to let me work on this first step in my own time frame.
He didn’t ask questions or say anything when I asked him today. JJ even stepped on the scale first and told me he needed to lose weight too. I can’t ask for a better partner because he stood with me, and before I looked down, he said, “Honey, don’t panic. I am here with you, and I am here to support you.” He held me while I cried before he went to work, then sent me another text telling me we would do this together.
I will admit I thought the number would be higher, but 256.6 is still a hard one to look at.
God, I hated typing that!!! I want to scream so loud that the hills of Western North Carolina echo into Tennessee and Georgia.
I want to get healthy, enjoy my work and creativity more, spend more active time with my husband and kids, and overall for my own self-esteem.
What am I going to do now?
I faced the most challenging part a few minutes ago, facing reality by seeing it. I know that I will not use fad diets and trends, though I have tried them in the past, and they do not work.
I didn’t get in this shape overnight, and I will not get out of it overnight. I am going to approach this issue like I did when learning photography. I was eager and hungry to learn (yes, pun intended, lol). I made small steps every day, at least five days a week, to try something new.
I listened to a trainer online the other day who said that the biggest mistake that many people make is trying to do everything all at once. I know my personality, and that is what I typically do, and then I fail. I started a few weeks ago cutting back on soda and instead started drinking a lot of water. That alone has improved my well-being.
I have also started getting outside and walking more, even if it is only at the local recreational parks. Being a photographer often has me hiking anyway, but I can still do more. Part of my problem has been that since my work slowed down, I just became inactive.
Wish me luck, please.
The shame that I have in my head is terrible and often tells me, “Who are you kidding?! You know you will never stick with this, so why don’t you stay home and do something for your business instead?”
Ugh, well, I just uncovered the other excuse I have been using! Geez!
Writing helps me process my thoughts, and I didn’t even know that was my new one until now.
You know what? Getting healthy is part of my business plan!
Wish me luck, though, because the negative self-talk is going to suck. So, if you see me out walking, mumbling to myself or something, you will know why. Don’t say anything negative because I am already trying to battle what I “think” others say about me. This is going to be a significant mental challenge for me, but I am going to try.
Sorry if this post is too personal, but I felt I needed to just journal it to help me. I love you all!