Do you ever get so disgusted with yourself that you ask, “Why do I do this? Why do I try?” I look back over my past projects and ideas sometimes and just feel dejected. So, what do you do when you fail?
It can be tough, but you can work through the stinking thinking that is clouding your brain. I’m feeling it right now as I write, so I am addressing this question not just for you, but for myself as well.
I don’t know, maybe it could be the time of year we are in, the fact that I am tired, or just reflecting on missed opportunities. One of the projects that were “abandoned” that bothers me the most was a Christmas video I had planned to work hard on last year. I had even gone as far as to post a clip of my describing what it was going to be like on my Facebook pages, but it never came to fruition.
It has been an entire year and it still eats at me because it just feels like another “project” I started and never finished. Albeit, a lot went wrong at Christmas last year that delayed the making of the said video, but I had all intentions of working on it this year.
Discouragingly, when I went to pull up the files, that I had spent weeks filming last December I discovered that they were all gone! Erased! I even looked through my external hard drives in every single folder, but they were gone. I must have erased them by accident at some point so now it grates on my nerves.
Why? Because I had some amazing footage of heavy snowfall in places, I should have never been able to access. Oh well, I must find a way to get over it I suppose but other things are irritating me as well.
I also found out about two weeks ago something was wrong with my contact page on my website, but I didn’t have the time to address it then. Instead, I was too busy killing myself and working like an OCD obsessed nut to get all my wedding work done. Another quirk of mine, when I start something, I HAVE TO GET IT DONE. There are days I wonder if I have any sense of normalcy in how I live, lol.
Anyway, when I did finally get to it today, we discovered that the issue was all my inquiries were going to some random Gmail account I didn’t even know I had. When I accessed this account, I knew I probably did not want to know what was in there. But I had to look, just HAD TO LOOK!
I will admit I didn’t miss as much as I thought I did, but still when I was reading emails of people who wanted to talk to me about wedding and family photography, and I never responded it just kicked me in my gut. I took it personally, although no one was really at fault, and then my mind made it into a personal failure.
This just resulted in stinking thinking and what does stinking thinking equate to? A not-so-happy-cranky mood! So, what do you think I did? It’s ok you can guess?
I just added to it…
I just had to hop online and notice things that make me jealous of other people. Naturally, I started comparing myself to other people and their businesses. Geez, I’m so loveable right now, aren’t I?
After practically screaming at the screen at randomness I probably shouldn’t have been, I decided instead to sit down and write this out. Writing has always helped me process my thoughts, emotions, and gain perspective.
What can I do since I failed?
Well, I can be grateful for the successes I have had this year. I can be excited that I am alive and have my basic needs met.
I can also be grateful that I now have time to work on getting better at drawing, digital painting, sketching, etc. I started taking my art serious in March, but spring hopped in like that Energizer Bunny and I got swept away into the wedding season. Trust me the guilt from not focusing on my art has been weighing heavily on me too.
Yet, what does guilt do for you? It just leads you to more stinking thinking which I am famous for, lol. Therefore, I just need to reframe my mind and celebrate.
I found some great deals today at the Dollar Tree and my heavy editing is done. We should celebrate even the little things in our lives. I also have this cool set of eyes looking at me from the other end of my desk I sketched earlier this week. I shocked myself when I looked at them the next day. It always takes me 24 hours to appreciate anything I do.
Life isn’t about what you don’t get done or fail to complete. It is about celebrating what you do get done each day. I wouldn’t beat my best friend over the head with what she didn’t get done so I need to treat myself with the same respect.
If you are dealing with the same thoughts take time to process them and ask yourself this question, “Is this thought helpful or harmful to my mental health?” If it isn’t, crystalize that thought you have captured in your mind’s eye, then shatter it.
Then treat yourself to a glass of wine and listen to Michael Bublé’s new album, “love,” that came out today and relax. That is what I am currently doing. Tomorrow is a new day and you can inspire yourself again to get up and keep moving ahead towards your goals.
Sabrina L. Greene is a wedding and portrait photographer near Asheville, NC. She is also currently studying the human form to get better at being an artist and illustrator.